Simply Stacy Poetry

A Lyrical Journey For the Heart & Soul

The Journey To Loving Me and She…

I literally had to become an adult before I learned how what I think manifests into what I speak and what I speak ultimately turns into what I do.  Women I encountered outside of my mother, unknowingly taught me how to dislike other women, without knowing them.  I became conditioned, not because of what I experienced, solely based off of what I “learned” by hearing to “size her up.”  Now, let’s put a little bit of logic to how a person heals, transforms, and grows out of such behaviors.  Learned behavior develops in layers, year after year after year… thick and stacked high!  It takes time to remove those layers, thought processes over time, but God can do anything and He can do it quickly (His quick is not our quick though ha ha!) Something happens to break through one or a few of those layers and as each layer is peeled away, the freer that person becomes, their thoughts change, ideas change, perceptions change.  That’s exactly what happened to me… and the root of why “I didn’t like her… without even knowing her… is because I didn’t like me.”  I had to first learn to sincerely love me, I had to believe what I said about me, for real.  You know we live in a world where it’s easy to pick up a mask, place it on, live for the day, take it off, go to sleep and do it all over again day after day, month after month, year after year.  I did that, lived behind the mask of false confidence, I didn’t like what I saw when I looked in the mirror and that made it easy to dislike others, women especially, especially women who had confidence.

God broke through to me, me being completely unwilling of course… but He did.  It was in those moments, I learned, that when God sets out to accomplish something in you, it will get done and the sooner you say yes, the more impact He will have.  He gave me two daughters… they came from me, I couldn’t teach them the ugliness that resided in me.  The process began of loving me, because of how much I loved them.  I had to first accept and love the color of my skin.  I am dark skinned and within my culture and outside of my culture, I was made to feel that dark skinned women aren’t beautiful. I bought into those lies, I didn’t like the skin I was in and on top of that, I have an overbite, I walk with a limp due to a birth defect, I’m big-skinny (fat stomach, small legs, big chest, fact face) LOL, I know, silly… but I didn’t like who I saw when I looked at me, thought about me.  I remembered the words of life my momma spoke over me as a little girl. I started to believe the words my husband affirmed over me, and the how my daddy said I was beautiful. It started there, I knew when I looked at my daughters that they were beautiful and I wanted to make sure they believed that about themselves when I told them that.  In doing that, I was reminded that I couldn’t expect them to believe me, when I didn’t believe my own mother’s words.

Anyway, God began to break down the layers and with ever layer removed from me, I was able to see my fellow sister in a different light.  I found myself after about a 15 year delayering process loving me.  I loved the beauty, the variety, the originality of women.  My black sisters, were becoming works of art in my eyes, no longer beings that I disliked because of my own insecurities.  She was the epitome of beauty to me. When I looked around I saw different types of women, shapes of women and it encouraged me.  I was inspired to accept my originality and now I want to be surrounded.  I am interested in learning about the different gifts each woman possesses, I want to embrace my fellow sisters of my culture and other cultures, identifying with our similarities and understanding our intricacies.  I want to kill the stereotype that I’d once made my reality… “Women just don’t get along.”  That’s a false statement that I want to bury with every woman that God blesses to connect with me.  I love me…. and now I can love she because we are one in the same, originally made.

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July 26, 2015 Posted by | The World Outside Your Window | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Your Choice…

There’s this wonderful thing called “free will,” that I think we grossly misunderstand.  No one person is without mistake, but the thing about making mistakes is whether or not you learn from them.  So, you’re free will… you make a choice, that choice results in a consequence, that consequence results in a process or pathway you travel and some choices leave us wondering, “Did I make the right choice?” or “Why did I make this choice?”  It’s funny, in my own learning, growing, changing, and being corrected, I have indeed found myself not always accepting the consequences of the choices I made.  Some things, I didn’t want to take responsibility for, I didn’t want to acknowledge that there were choices I made, some where that got me to this crazy point I stand at today.  I realize, not taking responsibility for the free will decisions I’ve made and instead wanting to blame God or even another person for the outcome as a result of my choices, prevented me from LEARNING from it.  I used to be that person… victim, the one people wanted to hurt, or my favorite, “Oh I’m a black sheep…”  However, today, I realize that was a coward out, a way for me to avoid have to pull myself up by my boot straps, swallow my pride and say, “Hey, you made a few mistakes, some choice that landed you here, but now, wash your face, look to God and find out the next step He wants you to take to begin the correction and restoration process.”

I am not saying, that everything someone goes through is their fault, because there are God allowed things that happen in our lives, that I just gotta be honest, we aren’t meant to understand them.  I believe that is the pill that is the hardest to swallow for a free will being… especially living in a country where many people actually believe they are entitled.  This message, is simply about taking responsibility for where you are in life.  I can’t put my mouth on any one else, but Stacy, oh boy have I taken the process I was meant to endure and blame someone else for it.  I was foolishly bold enough to even say, “God is selective in whom He loves, because if He really loved me, I wouldn’t be going through: [this].”  In essence, I didn’t believe God’s Word, that “all things work together for good to those who love God…(Romans 8:28)”  What God promised in that scripture couldn’t come true in my life until I believed the second part of it, “to those who are called according to His purpose.”  The second part of that scripture to me means, I had to first believe He called me and secondly, I had to trust what He called me for…including all that I had to face in this life.  I wanted God in my life when it benefited me, I didn’t want to serve Him, I wanted Him to serve me.  Don’t raise your eyebrows at that statement, every time we deviate from God’s plans, purpose for something, every time we make a choice that directly contradicts His will… we say in no uncertain terms, “God I want You to serve me; I’m not interested in serving, obeying and trusting You or Your plans.” I think if we truly heard ourselves saying those words when we ignore the still small voice, the gut feeling, the countless warnings He gives us right before we do something of our own free will, we’d be less likely to do it.

Even in the making of the mistake, the blatant decisions I’ve made which resulted in me enduring a tough process, there’s Hope; God still covers and protects, while He corrects. I love that the choices I’ve made can be used to make me a better me if I first take responsibility for the choice I made, repent and ask God to lead me, decrease me that He might increase within me.  I know that is something tough for people to grasp… God having such a measure of faithfulness, such a Love for a people who turn their backs on Him and blame Him at every turn, but He still blesses, protects, covers, re-directs, shares, cares, and wants them apart of Him.  But again, to see that… guess what it starts with… Your Choice.

July 19, 2015 Posted by | The World Outside Your Window | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Dealing…Conquering…Growing

I have not had the perfect life, but as I grow older and the more I mature in my relationship with Christ, I realize the pressures of my life served a purpose in the good seasons of my life. Now, when I was dealing with those pressures and even when I endure today, I won’t sit here and tell you that I’m thinking, “Oh yes, this is going to help me in the long run…” No, I literally have to take each moment, ONE STEP AT A TIME, ONE EXPERIENCE AT A TIME, and depending on what I’m facing ONE BREATH AT A TIME. There’s a scripture in the Bible, Psalm 27:14, one of my favorite pastor’s quotes it right before she teaches or preaches every time I’ve seen her, “Wait on The Lord, Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart. Wait I say, on The Lord!” For as many times as I’ve heard that scripture, it’s funny how it speaks to so many situations I could’ve (heck should’ve) used it for in the past and present. As much as people seek to refute the Bible, the truth of it is unshakeable. That scripture alone gives hope. It’s funny, when I got saved, I thought… YES! Life can only go up from here… but I failed to realize how many layers God had to peel away from me to see myself the way that He sees me…He knew it would take time. He also knew the right pressure had to be applied in order to produce what He’s purposed to come out of me and my existence. I completed the act of “giving my life to Christ” at a young age, but I didn’t fully GIVE my WHOLE LIFE to Him until maybe five years ago… Prior to that, I just did church as I understood how to do it. I acknowledged God’s existence, but wasn’t fully abiding in Him if that makes sense. However, now, I’ve endured some things; dealt with some issues, pains, hurts, aches that have opened my eyes and heart to just how MUCH I need Him.

I was arrogant enough to think… I’m so smart I got this all figured out; God is not a liar, He can’t and He won’t contradict Himself, so I had to be humbled. I thought because I got saved, did a little praying, went to church on Sundays and knew a few scriptures that I was “more saved than most” let me tell you something about that thing called pride and haughtiness… they come with HARD FALLS… One thing I am thankful for though, is I learned from the falls I took… I didn’t have to fall two, three, four times to get the jist of what God expected of me. I have a ways to go, but I can say today I take a lot more responsibility for where I end up, why things have gone particular ways in my life and I realize in order for God to do what He desires to do in my life, I have to want Him to do it. He won’t force anything on me, He won’t push His will, purpose or good plans off on me either. I understand now that I will have to endure some pressure in order to produce. I remember my pastor in Atlanta, giving several analogies of things that were placed under tremendous amounts of pressure and they produced some of the most amazing things… of course one of the most common, the coal producing diamonds, but he also mentioned the olive producing olive oil, grapes producing wine, fruits producing juices, heck a mother delivering a baby.

Pressure produces and I would rather endure pressure from God than pressure from satan… satan’s pressure is purposed to KILL, STEAL, and DESTROY any victory that God can get out of my life. Satan don’t care about me, He cares about preventing God from getting any victory out of me and my existence. I’ll take the pressure, I need to pray more and prepare. I am growing up, it’s necessary!

June 18, 2015 Posted by | The World Outside Your Window | Leave a comment

Destinations

I heard someone say, “Your destiny is determined by your decisions.” The older I get, the truer that statement becomes. I realize, I can’t make decisions out of anger, frustration, stress, fear, or sadness.  The potentially permanent impacts can destroy you.  I am learning how to weigh my decisions… the older I get, the more mindful I am about my choices. Concerned about your outcome? Consider your choices.

May 24, 2015 Posted by | The World Outside Your Window | Leave a comment

Self Honesty

I know this must be a crazy thing to say but I am really just now learning to be honest with myself.  I have insecurities, that’s no secret, we all do, but I had to start saying some things out loud to myself in order for me to begin to accept them.  For example, it’s easy to catch someone else be judgmental but boy is it tough to carry the mantle of being judgmental yourself.  Through some very recent events in my life, I realized, I need deliverance and healing in the area of judging others.  I am thankful to God for the painful life experiences that produce imperfections about me that NEED to be healed.  One thing I make a declaration to STOP doing, is befriending people too fast.  It’s unfair to them and it’s unfair to me.  I don’t give them enough time to learn me and I don’t give myself enough time to learn them so when storms arise in the building of the relationship, things are torn down and in many cases irreparable.  I carry something that I think my momma was working hard to rid me of during the 13 years she was here with me… I give too quickly.  I give everything up front, without discernment, a lot of times based off of commonalities I identify with individuals and then when things happen and I become hurt or offended then I’m sitting there looking stupid.  I can’t blame people for hurting me, I blame me.  I realize something, my discernment is not as strong as I thought it was.  I also need to learn how to rely on God to heal me from hurts instead of people.

Today, this day, April 26th God kept me still… I laid in bed most of the day, literally slept on and off until about 5p EST.  God talked straight to me… “I can’t heal you until you allow me to reveal to you what needs to be healed in you.”  So, here in this blog, I am going to reveal what I know needs to be healed about me as I stand today…

Stop judging people because they don’t think like I do, look like I do, believe in what I do… STOP JUDGING

Stop giving so much so soon, allow God to guide my heart

Be slow to speak about things when I am angry or irritated

Take time affording the title of friend to people; get to know them and allow them to get to know me

Forgive faster…stop dwelling on offenses and forgive

Quit being angry at things I can’t control

I know that’s not much, but it’s enough for me to deal with today.  My prayers are changing, I am doing a lot more looking at me and slowing down my pace because I need to.  I am getting hurt and in my hurt I am hurting others and I don’t want to be that person.  I want to love with sincerity; I want the character of genuine to be seen in my presence before I open my mouth to speak.

I will be a better me with each day I’m given.  Things I MUST accept, everybody won’t like me, everybody won’t be straightforward with you, everybody won’t love like you do, you’re imperfect, you can’t control every situation and the most important, life is filled with seasons, know when the seasons change.

I hope those of you that took the time to read this enjoyed it!

Self Honesty

April 27, 2015 Posted by | The World Outside Your Window | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Changes

Life consists of a myriad of changes and while we live we go through changes.  The things we have to do to adjust and grow can some times be taxing and overwhelming; that is why I appreciate having the opportunity to write, release, pray, cry, scream and athough it’s not a good way to release, heck I’ll be honest getting out a good cussing has helped me LOL (don’t judge me).  I simply want to be better than what I’ve been.  I realize I will always learn something as long as I live and there is always room for improvement so I proceed.  Changing is not always easy; accepting the things about myself that need to be changed is the hardest… I need to pray more, I need to worry less (especially about what people say or think).  I am learning to love the life I have and love who I am.  I never thought it would be so hard to simply accept me.  I am finding out though, achieving love for one’s self is the road to fulfillment in life.

   

 

April 18, 2015 Posted by | The World Outside Your Window | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Processing – The Individual’s Journey

We walk many roads during our life’s journey and most of our journey’s can’t be explained or understood but we push forth to find our way.  As I grow I find myself learning and understanding the concept of processing and going through processes.  Life hasn’t been “easy” for me but it hasn’t been a constant strand of pain and misery either.  I am finally at a place in my journey where I am starting to connect the dots of my life that I once tagged with the label of misery and I appreciate it.  I realized, had hard, painful, stressful situations not happened in my life I would not know compassion the way I do.  I would not know the healing power of prayer, God’s miraculous delayering power that caused my once hardened heart to forgive.  I held on to a lot, I fought turning pages in my life that God meant for me to turn, and I internalized my hurts.  I started just opening my mouth and talking to God…. whereas I once “vented” to people, I simply started talking to God.  It was when I took those talks seriously that the processing began.  Things I once completely misunderstood about my life begin to make complete sense to me.  He’s fixing my heart; pieces of it are still missing, areas of it are still tender and bruised, but areas of it that I thought would never be healed are healed too.  I realize the processing is indeed working out for the good of me.

I have to let go, forgive, remember some things and forget others; more important than anything I have to endure the process to see a better, stronger, growing me.  I truly know what it means now when my grandma used to say, “Baby, don’t despise the process…” 

 

April 14, 2015 Posted by | The World Outside Your Window | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Peace… Have You Invited It In?

You know, it’s funny, we’ve all said it or thought it once in our lifetime, “I need peace.” Then I was placed on a journey by God that left me at this place, “Peace is always available; however, it must be invited in.” I realized in some of my most hellish moments that peace was available to me, but I wasn’t thinking about peace in order to receive it. My focus was on my issue, my thoughts were on the things I worried about, what had been done to me. I wasn’t focused on centering myself, having a quiet moment inside and around me to allow peace to reside. I now know, in order to have peace, I must first be peaceful. You can’t be peaceful if you’re anxious, you can’t be peaceful if you’re worried and concerned, you can’t be peaceful if your heart is hardened by pain. You can indeed pray for peace; I have learned there are some prayers God answers as fast as you can get off your knees from praying them. A lot of times we miss the answer because we expect it to come in a certain manner or we’re still focused on the request we prayed not really leaving it at God’s feet.

We’re surrounded by everything that wants to rob us of our peace, so it is up to us to posture ourselves to receive peace; even in the most toughest times. Peace is always yours to receive, put yourself in position to receive it.IMG00169

January 4, 2015 Posted by | The World Outside Your Window | Leave a comment

Hope, Happiness, and Healing

I’m learning as I grow older why my mom and grand mom stayed quiet when it came to people’s desire to debate about faith or life choices for that matter. I realize that some things aren’t worth “arguing” about; I’m sorry, debating about. I’ve found love, hope, peace and joy in living my life for Christ, I have found moments of solitude just thinking about how much He cares about me so I have no interest in debating with others that seek to refute His existence. I find hope in Christ, therefore I speak hope into the lives of others, I find happiness in His love for me; therefore, I seek to share happiness with others. I find healing in praying to Him; therefore, I pray healing for others… I believe… I believe…

December 22, 2014 Posted by | The World Outside Your Window | Leave a comment

Self-Examination: The Toil Is Real

Self-examination, real self-examination pulls from places you didn’t even know issues resided. I am undergoing another period of self-examination. I am embarking on a new journey, entering into a new phase of my life, one that I won’t sit here, lie and say it was a welcomed change. As a result of this growth and shifting, angst arose in areas of my life that I NEVER expected. I was hurt, angry, and even felt heart broken; friendships I’d nurtured and enjoyed having apart of my life ended, abruptly. I wish I could sit here and tell you that I understand why they ended, I wish I could outline a list of indicators that warned me of these happenings, but that’s just not the truth. The series of things that happened which caused these friendships to end were petty and unnecessary. So, I am currently in the process of getting past the things that took place and being OK with those chapters of my life ending. I prayed, cried, and I even sit here now befuddled by it all. So, the best way I know how to deal with these type situations is… look back at me.

Question 1 to self: What did I do? I have asked myself this question since the things that happened took place. Was there something in particular that I’ve done that led to these particular events? It hasn’t always been easy for me to take responsibility for things that I’ve done wrong, said or events I’ve initiated, but in this case because the relationships that were at risk were so important to me, it was important that I took FULL RESPONSIBILITY for any part I played in the issue.

Question 2 to self: What am I doing wrong? I am not perfect AT ALL! I’ve offended folks, hurt some people very close to me, and I have not always taken responsibility for my actions, but as I’ve grown I realized I needed to. Now that I do, hold myself accountable for my actions, it seems I’m hurt more. I seem to take on the actions that others should be holding themselves accountable for and making myself responsible for them. However, I realize something I need stronger character discernment.

When you make changes in your life, work hard to improve your character, attempt to be better than what you’ve been…you struggle by reminding yourself of who and how you used to be every time something happens that reminds you of who and how you used to be. Today, however, I must do better. I am conducting a self-examination as a result of the recent happenings, but not in the way I used to. I am not self-examining to find my complete fault in the situations, but instead to see how I responded, how I can respond to similar situations in the future. I am accepting the shifts that have occurred in my close relationships and praying for better character discernment going forward. It’s necessary, I don’t need the wrong people in my life and I don’t need to be the wrong person in someone else’s life. So, even though I hurt as result of recent events, I am conducting self-examination to make sure I am better going forward and a better person for someone else going forward.

October 13, 2014 Posted by | The World Outside Your Window | Leave a comment

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